date: Tuesday, January 18, 2005 @ 2:56 pm
title: Day 18: Jerusalem...
Lately, I have been abusing God's gift - my tongues.
'Out of the abundance of your heart, your mouth speaks.'
I dunno why. But lately, I'm craving for love. It might be the incapability to adapt to my institutional environment, however I rather think otherwise. Spiritual attack.
Lust for physical is no much longer a transgression for me. But lust for emotions is starting to stir within me. It's been prophesied, which was one year ago. It took one year for it to come to pass, but it came rather unexpectedly.
I was seeking for love, though in the desert craving for the drink of love. I was desperate in one sense, but withdrawing in another. I was afraid that what I do now, will be what I will be reaping in the future. I dare not venture over the boundary.
Suddenly, God's unfailing love seem to fade away and my love for other became perverted by the temptation of my emotions. I left my God aside, to pursue my love. Words from my mouth were though as sweet as honey but was actual fact as poisonous as death. It was a double-edged sword.
My love was not brotherly love, but a love that the season wasn't there yet. I was anguished by my words and actions. I tarished myself by my own words. I defiled my Lord the God by my thoughtless behaviour. I was slow to unveil the cloth over my eyes, that He took away the pillars from the temple of God - me.
I wasn't walking with God, as I was distracted from my calling.
Today in fishtank, I was caught in between a few crossfire of the end product of my careless talking, I was the center of all slanders and scandals. I couldn't cope with the bombardment of the gossip and rumor. I needed out. I had to excuse myself for a break. Far away from them. I headed for the toilet.
I asked myself: what have I done?
A brisk of wind swept past me. Depression fell upon me. My laughter caught with the wind and left me. A tormenting and distressing spirit came upon me. I lost my tongue. Gulit prevented me from opening my mouth, I stopped sing hymns and praise. I was suffering depression.
Mono answer. I couldn't engage in a conversation with anyone after I returned. I decided to burrow into my history note and concentrate. I asked myself again: what have I done?
One by one left for lectures. Others gathered to play cards. I was by myself and I knew the radiance of His anointing left me. I wasn't glowing in His presence as my emotion was in agony. I knew it.
After school, I strolled laugishly. I was alone by myself for I knew, I had to be alone for God to minister to me. I decided to walk to Heartland Mall to purchase some stationeries. I took the long way.
Along the way, I composed a short poem.
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I am a Prophet, you are a Gentile.
How is it possible for us to be together.
I crave for you, yet you shun me.
I chose you over anything else,
yet you forsaken me.
My expression is in vain,
for the word I spoke,
is nothing but vain.
My thoughts are fruitless,
for they mount to nothing,
like the cloud that fades.
Who should I wept upon,
for no one knows me.
They claimed to reverence me,
but in truth they fear me.
'My friend,' they greet me,
' my fiend,' they backstab me.
Who can I trust.
My God or nothing.
For He made me,
before my mother conceived me.
My God, My God.
Why have you forsaken me.
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Song of Songs... Song of Songs... Song of Songs... a voice echoed within me.
I poised the bible and browsed the book.
'I want you to promise, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.'
This verse appeared a few times across the book of Songs, as I read. And each time, it struck me harder and harder and my bitterness diffused gradually. I was in God's presence for a second. And again felt His unfailing love pouring into me again. Filling the temple with His characteristic. Judgement. Mercy. Love. Grace. Discipline...
I smiled. 'God Rulz...'
